It Has Been a While

I am finding it very difficult to be a human right now. I am very confused as to how much of a victim I am in the whole grand scheme of things versus how many of the world's ills I am either directly or indirectly responsible for.

I am in my early forties so I suppose I am due for this identity crisis but I have to admit 'finding myself' is proving a more daunting task than I originally thought it would be.

Perhaps discussing it with cyberspace will help me sort it out...

And now I am having difficulty knowing where exactly to begin because depending on which expert I really don't care to consult, there are varying degrees to which I should be attached to such trivial complexities such as my gender, nationality, family of origin, temperament, giftedness or lack thereof, spiritual orientation, IQ and/or any other way of being uniquely the same as everyone else on this planet.

I think I will just jump.

I am Canadian, but I don't really like hockey, so I suppose I just started this off on a questionable note.  I do like to apologize though, so I will get that out of the way.

Apologies to all the intellectuals who are going to be gaping at my lack of concern over whom I have or have not quoted with proper referencing techniques, there is a strong possibility this is going to fail any sort of plagiarism test because somebody, somewhere has probably said the same things I am thinking and maybe I have even read them and they are buried in my subconscious and are going to come crawling out and I am not going to remember and am too lazy care.

Apologies to people who find sarcasm offensive, I am really, really, really sorry to offend you .....  mmmm hmmmm.

Apologies to people who like short, concise pieces of writing, this apology is probably not placed properly in the body of this work.

Apologies to all the people I have missed apologizing to for whatever other offensive thing I am about to do.

There now that I have gotten that out of the way, I feel I must clarify that I am Canadian of partially unknown European descent - is that actually a category? If it isn't it should be. I have white skin - except in the summer when parts of me are less white. I don't do that on purpose, it just happens when I am outside and am ignoring all the scientific advice about why I shouldn't be.

On my Mom's side there are some good genealogical records and the English play a big role, in fact there are rumours I am a descendent of Henry the 8^th. Sorry about that.

My Dad's side is a bit sketchier, there are rumours that some the original folk to get off the boat were horse thieves - sorry about that – and that they changed their names to avoid capture. That seems wise. If it is true, they chose the last name "Pratt" which wasn't so wise because it was a “Pratt” who came up with the brilliant idea of starting the residential schools in Canada and he married a “Mason” - another name in my family tree. This is not a part of my search for my self that I was happy to come across.

I would like to think that if I had been around in those days and that guy actually was my uncle / cousin / grandpa, I would have smacked him in the head and told him that was an incredibly stupid idea, but I am a woman, so I would have had to apologize for speaking my mind to a man.

And here is where I admit that because I am all white – at least most of the year - I am ignorant of my "invisible privilege" and that I am an idiot because I have become brainwashed by my culture into believing "individualism" is the only correct view of how a society should function. I did not know that only whites ever succumb to cultural conditioning.

So it is unreasonable of me to be confused as to why I need to feel responsible for not being around to smack that “Pratt” guy upside the head or accuse his wife of being guilty by association. I wake up each morning and give my kids toast and peanut butter and am by default “part of some problem” because I don't have the energy to protest every wrong thing that is going on in the universe.

I am confused as to why I am accused of hiding my head in the sand when my introverted tendencies make me just want to run away from all of this.

I am confused as to why on the days like this when my mouthy temperament kicks in, I am accused of being too opinionated about things I probably am not educated enough to be commenting on.

I am confused why I can't just relate to someone because our dads were both alcoholics regardless of our race or tax bracket.

I am confused as to why mentioning alcoholism makes me a hero in some circles and a whiny baby in others.

I am confused as to why I shouldn't expect my spouse to meet my emotional needs, but if I find someone else of the opposite gender to connect with I am having an emotional affair.

I am confused because if I yell at my kids right now for doing stupid things on the trampoline, I am a 'helicopter parent' but if I leave them be I am encouraging reckless and irresponsible behaviour that is going to lead to a large hospital bill that will tax our already over-burdened health care system and staff. Yes, I know...I am incredibly thankful we have healthcare.

I am confused because if I stay away from social media I am choosing to be uniformed and negligent of my fellow human beings. Yet, if I read every article and take into consideration every opinion out there I wouldn't have time to meet every single one of my kids' many developmental needs at the proper times and stages of their growth.

I apologize that this is written from my narrow, North American, middle or whatever class I fall into viewpoint. I am sorry I sound so offended and oversensitive. I wish people would stop being so easily offended and oversensitive.

I am a stay-at home Mom and my kids are home schooled. But don't worry, they are social little beggars and can be just as selfish and entitled as their generation dictates they should be.

But I am okay with who I am because I have read all the pros and cons of my Myers-Briggs results and I also know I am probably an Emerald / Ruby.

Do you see a theme here? I am confused - I am finding being human a confusing challenge right now.
I am confused as to why there is such a massively long list of things to be confused about when just like 98% of the human population I really just want things to be easy.

I want to eat, drink and be merry and listen to country music. We must be at about offence number 23 by now?

We all know I could go on for pages and pages about this.

But I trust you can see the ridiculousness of trying to figure all of this out - the foolishness of trying to lean on our own understanding.

Believe me when I say - all sarcasm aside - I am aware of the severity and tragedy of all the 'isms' occurring in the world. None of them are laughing matters. It is sickening.

I do however, really struggle to believe, that people are truly unaware of it all, that all the campaigns to 'raise awareness' of every single difficult issue we face as human beings is the answer to any of it.

And now here is where I offend everyone else I haven't already.

Go look up the story of the tower of Babel, check out what went on between Cain and Abel - strife between humans is as old as Methuselah – literally.

Our battles are not between flesh and blood - they look like they are - but they really are not.

The battles aren't between races, they aren't between husbands and wives, they aren't between denominations, orientations or generations, they aren't between rich and poor, the educated or uneducated.

Our collective human fight is actually “against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

We are all puppets in a play of good vs. evil and that is as simple as it is. The current puppet master is the father of lies, the sower of destruction, the cause of confusion and we have the choice of whether or not we let our strings be pulled.

Social programs, new legislation and awareness campaigns are not going to change the way we treat each other - they may ease the tension and relieve some of the circumstantial burdens momentarily - but we are always going to be asses to each other as long as the roaring lion is roaming this earth looking for people to devour.

Sounds depressing and hopeless doesn't it - my apologies to the optimists.

There will be pockets of spiritual resistance that pop up before the end of this age, they will be those of us who choose to lay aside all the face value, flesh and blood nonsense and petition the Maker together - Jesus won't return until every tribe and tongue has heard His name - it would be nice if we all could stop getting distracted and get moving on that.

I am having a hard time being a human. Thankfully I am a daughter of the One True King and I don't have to figure it out on my own.